Funny Free Jokes Pictures: Funny Long Jokes Free Pictures Images Photos Designs 2013

Funny Long Jokes Biography

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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?". The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.

"Husband : "How about the ones like mine?

"Wife : "Those they gave away.

"Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.

"Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?

"Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating."Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly.""Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name."Yeah teach?" he replies."If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off.""No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds."Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...' At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.' At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen maskover his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficultsurgery. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial spongebath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testiclesblack?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'monly here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to askagain, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevatehis vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes herembarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises hisgown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Shetakes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, veryclosely... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba Mosque today.

Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque...

I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.

I just love the part where she takes her ring off amd walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off!