Funny Jokes For Adults Dirty Biography
Q: How do you make your girlfriend scream while you're having sex?
A: Phone her and tell her.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A: Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.
Q: Whats the difference between Like and Love?
A: Spit and Swallow.
Q: Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray?
A: Its for dickheads.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
Q: Why don't little girls fart?
A: Because they don't get assholes until they're married.
Q: What is a lesbian's favorite ice cream?
A: A Klondike Bar
Q: How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A: At least one of his fingers is clean.
Q: Why did the condom fly across the room?
A: Because it got pissed off.
Q: Why are women like screen doors?
A: Once they get banged a few times they loosen up.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A: Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A: The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
Q: What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A: Fur traders.
Q: What's better than a rose on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ.
Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
A: When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.
Q: How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A: The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.
Q: Why did the lumber truck stop?
A: To let the lumber jack off.
Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss all three.
Q: What's sticky, white and falls from the sky?
A: The cumming of the Lord.
Q: Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill' that women can take immediately before sex?
A: They're called 'Predickamints'
Q: What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A: Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball and actually find it.
Q: What's the difference between jam and jelly?
A: You can't jelly your dick into a vagina.
Q: What are the two greatest lies?
A: "The check is in the mail," and "I promise I won't cum in your mouth."
Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They're both filled with stiffs, one's coming, one's going.
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s restroom?
A: Say, “Nice dick.”
Q: How do you know you’re leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, “Let’s just be friends.”
Q: What do you call a Serbian prostitute...?
A: Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch
Q: Whats 69 and 69?
A: Dinner for four.
Q: How do you recycle a used tampon?
A: As a tea-bag for vampires.
Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?
A: Are you going to eat that?
Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.
Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
A: In case you miss.
Q: How can you tell if you're in a gay church?
A: Only half the congregation is kneeling.
Q: What do you call a person who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor.
Q: What's the logo for the new Polish tampon?
A: "We may not be number 1, but were still up there!"
Q: What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A: You can bang your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.
Q: What does a mathematician do about constipation?
A: He sits down and works it out with a pencil.
Q: What do women and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both squirm when you eat them.
Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?
A: Love doesn't last forever.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What's the best thing about a blow job?
A: Ten minutes silence.
Q: What's the definition of a Yankee?
A: Same thing as a quickie, only you do it yourself.
Q: Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A: Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Q: How can you tell a macho woman?
A: She rolls her own tampons.
Q: What's the definition of skyjacking?
A: A hand job at 32,000 feet.
Q: How does James Bond like his pussy?
A: Shaven, not furred.
Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something.
Q: How do you know when a female bartender is mad at you ?
A: There's a string hanging out of your bloody marry.
Q: What do you find in a clean nose?
Q: What did the corn chip say to the battery?
A: I'm Frito Lay if your Ever Ready
Q: What's black, white, and red all over?
A: A freshly whipped nun.
Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q: Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank? A: Sperm is handmade.
Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both substitute meats.
Q: How can you tell which one is the head nurse?
A: She's the one with the dirty knees.
Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well hung.
Q: Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.
Q: What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
A: About two or three inches.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68, at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A: One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".
Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: What's the difference between a band leader and a gynecologist?
A: A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.
Q: What is organic dental floss?
A: Pubic hair
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face, and moaning, Lie to me!
Q: How can you tell if a bank robber is gay?
A: He ties up the safe and blows the guard.
Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father’s have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday
Q: What's the difference between a radial tire and 365 used rubbers?
A: One is a Goodyear, the other is a GREAT FUCKING YEAR!
Q: What do you get if you cross a nun with a computer?
A: A system that won't go down.
Q: What do horny women order at Subway?
Q: How do you define a "tough girl"
A: She kick starts her own vibrator, or she rolls her own tampons
Q: Why does Santa have such a big sack?
A: Cos he only comes once a year.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".
Q: How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
A: You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.
Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
Q: What is the definition of a perfect lover?
A: A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Q: What's the difference between a BONUS and a PENIS?
A: Your wife will blow your bonus.
Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A: "Is it in?"
Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night."
Q: What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards?
A: He keeps coming and coming and coming...
Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.